See you [chemo], never (I hope)

As of June 24th, Chemotherapy is complete!

5 months, 8 infusions, 3 types of chemo drugs, immunotherapy, and all the antacid, benedryl, and steroids in between.

It's done, and I am glad.

Last Wednesday (7/3) was the first day that I really started to feel that familiar spark of ME and was really the first day I have been able to feel excitement over the fact that I am done with the poisoning phase. Sounds dark, but its true. The anxiety of going into infusions just as I was feeling my best, knowing I'd get knocked back again, was tough. Not to mention what chemo takes, down to the cellular level - my hair, my nails, my skin oils, my microbome, my skin tone, my taste buds, my saliva, my muscle tone, my energy, my mental load, my vibrancy and excitement - a place where music doesn't sound good, food tastes muted, and the reality of it all bears down heavy.

I am ready to step out of this winter into my blooming spring. There will still be rain, maybe some hail, but it does feel like I have gotten to the other side of something.

My WBC were on the low side when I received chemotherapy. We decided it was best to proceed and my Dr. ordered a follow up blood test two weeks from infusion, which was yesterday (7/8). My neutrophils  are actually lower than what they were during chemo so I am still mildly neutropenic. This means I need to avoid raw/under-cooked food, wear a mask in crowds, and stay away from sick peoples. I'll have another blood test next Monday (7/15) to see where things are at.  The fact that I don't have to have another infusion makes this news not so bad.

Now, the weight and gravity of a pending double mastectomy is starting to set in. I have an MRI on July 16th to understand the impact chemo had on the tumor and will go over that imaging during my pre-op appointment on July 19th. My mastectomy surgery is on August 1st.

It is my hope between now and then that I am able to get a clearer picture of what radiation will entail and where that roughly places my reconstruction surgery.  My fingers are crossed I can sneak the major surgery into this calendar year for the sake of my insurance deductible/max-out of pocket expenses. It would also feel great to be through the biggest parts of treatment and surgery sooner rather than later but, we'll see! 

Aside from logistics of it all, I have felt a very inward energy. 8 sessions of heavy dose chemo may have a lot to do with it but my desire to be busy and social is fairly low at the moment. Mentally, I am also doing a lot of emotional feeling and processing and I am sure that also plays a part. We were thinking of squeezing in a mini vacation, but between recovering from chemo, scans, and pre-op appointments, vacation will wait a bit longer. BUT my hair is starting to grow back (I actually have a hairline!!) and I feel excited to start regaining autonomy over my body and building back my strength and energy.

I hope I love whoever I am becoming as much as I loved the one before her.

If you have messaged me and haven't received a reply yet, please know I have seen your messages, your love notes are felt and make such a positive impact, and will do my best to get back to you - even if it is has been some time. <3
 
More after the MRI and pre-op appointment!

Love,
V